mandy12052: (flower)
Clearing away the detritus on my cork board in preparation for transfer I came across this poem, and it made me pensive. Oh the people we were, and the people we've become. The memory of this description is still so vivid for me, and I often wonder whether I still hold such allure so many years later.

Transcribed below from a printout:
A Miracle
(for Mandy Peck)
by Miko

Amongst others that I've completely missed,
Or forgotten, or felt at least for a moment and selfishly
Abandoned in preference of blame and angst

I met you tonight, and wanted to wake up upon realization
Of what you did for me -

Tonight, you walked by, and I remembered that,
I couldn't keep my eyes from you,
And you came so to our table,
Continuing to sit while we became

Green and white and orange, and another color -
I do forget,
Sumerian symbols of our stars
And the hunger for transcribing something other
Than ourselves,
The cuts of your eyes and their particular slants
That feminize the difficult and masculate the effortless
Sitting with you kept me on the edge
Of my breath,
And you were so golden
About being alive,
I wanted to take you away right there,
Maybe to the peak of Sandia,
Or, to the next moment we were to have...

A month ago I write this, and at the same moment,
I've done only one thing in my life for the full
Cycle of our Viscous Moon,
And wanted to include you
In my effort to share a life.
mandy12052: (white)
The immense toll that work takes on me is catching up again. I don't know how else to explain it.

About halfway through the fall semester, I started to get rather burnt out. Nigh overwhelming exhaustion kept creeping around the edges of my existence. I suspect a similar phenomenon is happening to me now. Of course, I'm sure the time change has something to do with it. I've felt it with more intensity than I can remember ever having happened to me. I think it's that somewhere in the past several months I started to really adjust to being diurnal, but it was apparently within the confines of the hours of the day being labeled differently. I'm so exhausted this week, and it hasn't been a particularly busy week. At least, no more demanding than has been typical the last six months. I can see why my mom always had a deep appreciation for summer break, even if her vacation was in tandem with that of her children. I will so appreciate that time when it comes (even if I do spend a significant amount of it planning and preparing for next school year).

The funny part is, I'm incredibly tired right now, yet in an effort to get myself on the path to readjustment I'm staying up a bit later. In the meantime I've begun my to-do list for the weekend. So far, it has 7 separate tasks on it of varying lengths. I feel like I spend every weekend playing catch-up so that I can avoid stress the following week. So I guess it's more a matter of playing get-ahead rather than playing catch-up. It helps a lot during the subsequent week, but I'm so sick of not having a real weekend. I keep telling myself things will be different next year, and I hope I'm right about it. I fairly certain that doing work in the summer is a necessary evil in the attempt to make that a reality. I also have to remind myself that I'll be taking fewer classes next year and that will help.

I've been saying that having a spring break in the middle of April is ridiculous. After all, there will only be five weeks of school after that. But with each passing day I realize that I will so appreciate that break despite the fact that part of me would rather just tack an extra week onto summer if the short break is so near the long one. A break is a break; I should take what I can get.

Now I just have to convince myself to allow myself so respite when it's here...
mandy12052: (ffxii)
I know I hardly look at this place, this livejournal. When I do it's much like looking at some clichè from a Warner Bros. cartoon or an old western... that moment when there's hardly anything there and the tumbleweed rolls across the panorama. I always tell myself I should use it more. Maybe if I take the time for this when I feel inclined to spill out my thoughts just for the sake of getting it out of my head, the inclination to pay a fee every year to avoid ads will actually be worth it?

My mom seems to think I write in a journal all the time, but truthfully it only happens every couple of months (either in paper or electronically). I want to change that. I want to allow myself to take the time to organize my crowded thoughts. I'm often the sort of person who can't think clearly about things without removing them from my head in some fashion--whether it's writing it down or just having someone who'll listen with a willingness to do nothing more than help me get things straight. Being that my work keeps me so busy, I think I should use the electronic option more often. Maybe I'll even get the occasional bit of feedback!

For now, though, I must prepare to take Rorschach for his annual appointment.


"This News update brought to you by LiveJournal. 'Say bye bye to ads for $19.95!' You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, Where it's 'All Mandy, All the Time.' Thanks for listening."


Feb. 18th, 2014 08:23 pm
mandy12052: (white)
You stare at the screen.
You click through the things.
You watch the TV, even a couple sad movies just to see if that will help the tears come.
You wait for the grief to come, and start to wonder if it ever will.

I've been told that "Maybe it just doesn't feel real yet."
I've been told that the "shock" will pass and things will sink in.
I've been told a lot of sympathetic words, but the tone is shallow from most mouths.

I don't know when it will happen for me, that moment of actualization.
Probably when I see my mother cry as we sort through the remnants of a life now passed, but that won't happen until summertime.

So I continue to focus on living, because that's what she would want.
Yet occasionally there are moments such as this one, where the inclination to reflect comes along.

I'm going to go stare at something else now.
mandy12052: (ffxii)
About the jobs and the whatnot and the hey hey, I mean. If you're not sure to what I'm referring, see the last post I made.

The next part of my job hunt took place on a Tuesday afternoon. The next thing I did as far as the job stuffs was to write out a sort of form cover letter that would serve as the body of the emails I was sending to all the job people. I used this to format each of the emails I was sending out. Then I began the tedium of the copy/paste, the inserting of the appropriate contact information, resume PDF attachments, etc. etc. ad nauseum. I sent out eleven emails for thirteen jobs (two of my emails were for multiple positions at the same school). Then I took a deep breath, said a little something to the job gods, and walked away from my computer.

An hour later I got a phone call for an interview on Wednesday. I went in that next day, and had what I thought was a fairly decent interview. The principal told me she couldn't offer me a job right then, but to wait for a call some time in the next day or two. Apparently, the school district doesn't send out all the information; principals get a list of names when people apply for jobs and then have to go to the district offices to see all the application materials.

I spent all day Thursday waiting for the phone call that didn't come.

Somewhere in there I guess I forgot that she said a day or two. I got the job offer phone call late on Friday morning. Of course I accepted, because this was after all the job I wanted the most. Of all the thirteen jobs I applied for, I got the one that I wanted more than all the others! I was thrilled! I spent most of Friday afternoon that week doing the bureaucratic runaround filing documents and filling out paperwork. There's still some stuff to do as far as all that goes, but it's just the usual new-hire benefits paperwork and training whatnots.

So yeah, I guess I must both look good on paper and interview well because I sent out a resume, interviewed, and got a job in a week's time. Booyah bitches!

This News Update brought to you by the Job Market. It's a jungle out there! You're listening to KMND Radio, where it's All Mandy, All the Time. Thanks for tuning in.
mandy12052: (white)
Of applying for jobs, I mean. It's hard to for me to decide where to start with the description of this. So I'll just do the obvious and start from the beginning.

In about mid-May, I decided to finally take the time to fill out the job application on the APS website. Starting the process made me realize how much stuff I needed to do to have a completed application. I needed not just copies but scans of my Intern licenses, my resume, a cover letter... half of which wasn't completed. So I spent a semi-stressful week writing and polishing all that stuff. Finally got all that done and submitted along with the information required in the application itself.

So yeah, got all that done two weeks ago. Hence today I decided to look at the list of job postings on the website and see how many were still there and try to figure out why I hadn't heard anything yet. I did also get a bit of advice from someone who was recently hired for a position: she said I had to be proactive and be calling/emailing people to get their attention that I had applied. Well, first of all, more than half the positions I applied for are not listed anymore (which means they've been filled). But I did find a bunch of new postings to apply for, which is good. So I added all those to the application submission.

Now it's time for the next step. I gathered up all the necessary email addresses to write a little email note to all the people listed on the contact info at the bottom of the job postings. Now I just have to get the guts to do it. I mean, it's like twelve emails to write to people I've never met. A little nerve-racking, to say the least. Maybe the "finding the information" is enough for one day? I think I'm a little too high-strung to write professional-sounding emails right now anyhow.

Better luck tomorrow, yeah?
mandy12052: (jiji)
So I guess it must be time to spew a bit of my thoughts out onto this as I can't seem to focus on the homework I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be writing about Functional Behavior Assessments and why they're important, but I have no desire to read the chapter a second time and figure out what should go into my one-page response/reflection. Luckily for me, I have until class time tomorrow to get it done. Perhaps the inspiration will come to me in the middle of the night or something.

Seeing as how it's been such a long time, I feel I should begin with a sort of general thing to bring you all up to speed (as if you aren't already, as most of you are friends with me on the "facespace"). Here's a list:

1. Last fall I started in on a post-Baccalaureate program at CNM to get a teaching certificate. I'm intending to get dual licensure in Secondary Education (Language Arts) and Special Education. This will not only allow me to use my Bachelor's degree, but will also net me a day job. I've gotten myself an intern license so I can start working as a teacher while finishing all the stuff for an actual license (hopefully next fall I will be putting this to use).
2. [ profile] nicktheshrubber and I got engaged. Wedding plans are hectic and happening, though most of the big stuff is done now. We are still debating stuff like invitations, ceremony wordings, and what to make the cake look like. Ya know, the little stuff that you don't realize you have to do until you've done the really big stuff, e.g. finding a venue.
3. Spent a week helping my grandparents work on downsizing the amount of stuff they have in order for them to move from AZ to CO where they will have a safer, easier living environment. Scored some amazing stuff as a result of "keeping sentimental/valuabe things in the family." I got everything from a cast-iron Dutch oven to antique china teacups to a whole roomful of wicker furniture. [ profile] nicktheshrubber and I have added another bill to our financial situation in the form of a storage unit so we have somewhere to put it.
4. Rorschach is still around, and doing fantastically. He is a much better pooch than he once was, as he has calmed down in his older age as well as lost his paunch (he was getting pretty chunky for a while, but that another story).

Anyhoo... I believe I should be going as it appears that dinner is almost ready (Teriyaki stir fry!!! SQUEE!!), which means it's just about time for some Walking Dead, Deadwood, etc. Cheers!

This KMND News Update brought to you by Slackers. They're all around us! You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, where it's "All Mandy, All the Time." Thanks for tuning in!
mandy12052: (white)
Keeping a paid account, that is. I mean, I just checked to see when I last made a post, and it's been nearly two years. Yet I've happily allowed LJ to charge me $18.15 a year for a paid account for I don't know how many years now. On the other hand, now that I've been reminded that LJ exists (due to the email reminder about my paid account extension) perhaps I will manage to put things here more often.

I think I need a medium with more space for loquaciousness. I keep meaning to spend more time writing in my paper journal, but I'm not getting that done. It takes too much time (I can't write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts), and for some reason people are invasive about the idea of someone writing in a notebook. However, I now have this fancy new laptop and homework that requires I use said laptop on a regular basis. Perhaps between the two things pointing me toward my big screen of clearly defined pixels and fast new processor, I will have the impetus to use this thing. Not to mention, I realize I miss it. I doubt many people read such things anymore, and that's all right. I will prefer this website's makeup to the other selections out there indefinitely. I suspect part of that is that I have no desire to explore such things anymore, and the other part is the fact that I've kept this damn LJ for nigh on a decade. Why change now!
mandy12052: (ffxii)
I had some bills to mail out today, but rather than wait until I was on my way to work to drop them off in the mailbox at the post office I decided to walk the dog. It's a nice day, I had the time, and it seemed like a good idea to be a responsible pet owner.

My dog, Rorschach, has some habits when I walk him that I just can't seem to break. One of these is to sniff anyone who we pass on the sidewalk. Today, one of those people was a slightly elderly gentlemen in a many-layered tattered suit. Rorschach paused to sniff at him, but nothing more than that. Well this guy felt the need to say something about it, but I found it a bit silly.

He says, "Ya know if that dog bites somebody you're gonna have a lot of trouble on your hands."

The only response I could think of that wouldn't cause a ridiculous confrontation on the street was, "He didn't even touch you."

Now, despite my projective voice and relative audibility on the semi-quiet side street, he didn't hear me and I had to repeat myself. I left it at that, but couldn't help thinking to myself, "Thank you Captain Obvious. Now mind ya binness." Aside from the fact that Rorschach didn't touch the guy, he did nothing hostile and was properly leashed. I don't know what possessed the guy to feel the need to lecture me about my dog. It's one of those moments where I wonder, "If you can't handle dealing with society and interacting with others, why do you leave your house?"

Strangers say the darndest things.
mandy12052: (Default)
After 8 years with the same password and no security issues regarding this journal, the folks at LJ finally decided to let me know that they thought my password was too easy. I find this hilarious. Of course, recognizing that they were correct in their assessment, I have changed my password to something a little more challenging. Hooray protocols. Now it will be slightly more difficult for some asshat to hack my livejournal.

Now as long as no one hacks the keychain in my browser...
mandy12052: (optimism)
Just realized that in spite of my efforts to use posting stuff I'd found as a means to get myself into the habit of posting again, it has been fully 2 months since I posted anything at all. I think I maybe ought to just sit down and write stuff here each time I think of something to write (which is what I'm doing now). I'd really like to be sharing more of what's going on with my life than I have been, but I can tell there will be a lot of long posts needed to bring things up to date. I would also like to actually follow through and post the rest of the stuff I found if only because I think it's neat.


Just had a moment of looking at the cork board behind my computer and felt tempted to share a breakdown of how I pay my bills. Heh. I will resist the temptation to make a Thoreau style list for now. On the other hand, it's not like it'd give away anything about where my money is, so I may entertain myself (and possibly you, dear reader) with such a thing at some point.


For now, however, I must finish putting myself together so that I can go run some errands before going for the weekly hangout time with [ profile] jarmon. I ended up here after quickly checking my bank account and then having the internets suck me into reading stuff and what have you. Evil internets having things that interest me!!

"This News Update brought to you by the Intarwebs®, where time spent is often time lost! You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, where it's 'All Mandy, All the Time.' Thanks for tuning in."
mandy12052: (Default)
I have no idea why I saved this next bit; perhaps because I liked the poem. It's a photocopy out of a book. I have no idea what book, but I'm assuming it's an anthology of some sort. This poem apparently appears on page 27 (as denoted in the upper right hand corner of my copy).

Proletarian in Abstract Light )

As an aside... formatting this to make it appear as it does on my photocopy caused me to learn a new-to-me html tag in order to make indentation happen. Neat!
mandy12052: (flower)
This was written for me several years ago. It was the night I met Miko and Christina at Blue Dragon Coffee House. I had stepped outside for a cigarette while the two nonsmokers I was with continued their conversation. It's nice to reminisce... I can still picture the moon, the little tables with their mismatched chairs that littered the slim patio of that place, the golden light from the windows inside that lit the table. Much of the carefree attitude of that night is lost, but the recollection is what keeps us friends despite whatever changes we have wrought upon ourselves in the following years. Oh, memories.

A Miracle )
mandy12052: (jiji)
The first of the things I'm sharing is both silly, and exciting. It's mostly for [ profile] lotuschild03, because we talked about this once. I think [ profile] yayforninjas would probably be entertained as well. God only knows where I got the photocopy of these, but it was probably from a Spanish class I took in junior high school. I wish I was savvy enough to know how to get the sort of font this paper has, because it makes it all the more entertaining to look at, but alas.

I think maybe you're getting close to guessing what this is all about, aren't ya? Oh, and I'm putting it all behind a cut because it's long. Also, I'm copying the spelling exactly as it appears on the page, because some of it is... wrong but funny to me.

Canciones para la clase de español )

Tee hee.

"This News Update brought to you by Spanish Folk Songs®. You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, where it's 'All Mandy, All the Time.' Thanks for tuning in."
mandy12052: (blondie)
In the past couple days, I made an effort to organize the things that were going to go into my part of the office/spare room of the new house. This led to a lot of anti-hoarding productivity. In the midst of getting rid of papers I wondered why I'd kept, and records that were no longer needed (like billing statements that are too expired--as in from circa 2006 or 2007--to be useful in the event of an IRS audit on the off chance that I ever get to be one of the people randomly audited by the Man), I came across lots of fun things.

Such as...
A poem written for me years ago,
A quote of something a friend said that I wrote on a napkin from O'Neill's Pub because it was during the days before twitter,
Lyrics to some songs,
A friend's writing on several napkins from an unknown restaurant,
Photocopied poetry,
Typed up published poetry from a well-known author,
Comic strips I'd cut out because they entertained me/made me feel good,
And so on.

In an effort to save these things somewhere where they are less likely to get lost, and also to share them because I find them enjoyable, I'll be putting these things up in several posts. If I feel the need to draw someone's specific attention, there'll be some sort of liner note or what have you. If they feel the need to ignore it, I'll never know. I'll be entertained either way.

Oh, and somewhere in the midst of putting all this stuff into cyberspace, I may finally feel inclined to say something more about life, more specifically, my life. Yay livejournal.

"This News Update brought to you by shows like Hoarders, CleanHouse, et cetera. You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, where it's 'All Mandy, All the Time.' Thanks for tuning in."
mandy12052: (labyrinth)
So here I am. In an effort to get myself writing my rhetoric paper that is due in less than 48 hours, I'm going to spew some stuff here. This is somewhat inspired by a similar effort I noticed from [ profile] sjester, who is apparently working on a philosophy of mind paper. Unlike her, who is distracted by weird boss/schedule issues, I'm not distracted.

I've come up with a decent outline of my paper--Ok, organization--but can't manage to start writing it. I think I need to do a bit more on that front. I had thought my efforts thus far were sufficient for making the whole thing just start to come together on its own, but it looks like that's not going to happen for the moment. Luckily I have all night tonight and tomorrow to work on this. Ideally of course, I'll get this paper mostly finished so I can work on the Poetics anthology project for most of tomorrow. I really want to get everything done by Saturday night/morning so I can go to Nick's birthday party stress free.

I am surprisingly unstressed at the moment, however. Mostly I'm just stuck and need to make myself do stuff. Truth is, I'm incredibly excited to finally be on the home stretch with all this stuff. I can totally pull this off. Then I get to go back to reading lots of fluffy novels and packing stuff and cleaning the house. Ya know, all those wonderful things I've been fantasizing about for the last month that I haven't allowed myself to do in the interest of time management with the homeworks.

Oh yeah. Tonight was the last class meeting for the poetics class. While I enjoyed the experience (learning a lot about stuff I don't know and all that), I'm definitely happy that's over with. There were certain aspects of that course that made it pretty difficult. I think my biggest beef with the whole thing was the extreme delay the prof had with getting us feedback for papers. I mean, geez, I understand the guy is having a busy semester trying to get tenure and all, but does that really mean it should take 2 months to give back 8 5-page essays from people. In his defense though, I think I'm just frustrated about that because it was feedback I definitely could've used on the subsequent essay project we had to turn in to him. As a result, my grade on the third assignment was not what I had hoped. I guess I have trouble writing theses that aren't somewhat general. After all, isn't specification what the rest of the essay is supposed to be for? Maybe this is why I'm not going into poetry criticism/theory/analysis. Ah well; if I can manage to pull a B+ out of the class I'll be happy. Naturally, an A- would be much better, but I doubt I'll manage to impress him to an amazing enough degree with the final project to bump my grade back up there. We'll see. I may end up shocked, and as long as it's in a positive way I'm cool with it.

Well then... I believe now is the time on sprockets when we dance.

"This News Update brought to you by Sprockets®. You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, where it's 'All Mandy, All the Time.' This is your brain on Mandy. Thanks for tuning in."
mandy12052: (rope gag)
Sometimes the silence can be deafening, even if it's not really silent.
The clock ticks.
The traffic whirs past.
The keyboard clicks.

And my mind can't think about anything productive.

So here I am... procrastinating in the sense that I'm not sure what direction to take my work. I mean, yeah, there's plenty to work on. In fact, there's so much to work on that that's probably why I can't figure out what to do. So it goes. I can at least say that for the most part I am making good progress on a lot of things. It's just unfortunate that I have designated a night for working on stuff and can't figure out what to do.

I guess I should probably go to the IT Pod and print out the reading for my class tomorrow so that I finish the work that is most pressing. On the other hand, maybe I'll just set it up to print here and clean some stuff up while I wait for it. Yes... the latter option will suffice, methinks.

Yay homework!
mandy12052: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Well... it'd be a good thing I'm already pretty nocturnal, since the sun would be gone and all. Talk about changing the world: we'd be living in a much less gore, much more bore version of Pitch Black where the sun doesn't come up again several days later (i.e. never). I felt compelled to answer this on the basis of such an oversight in concepts... did the person who submitted this question forget that the major construct of time was the thing that is the basis for life on this planet?
mandy12052: (white)
For some reason the title of a book I've never read seems an appropriate subject heading for what I'm about to write.

I've spent the last 8 out of 9 hours working on the midterm for my Rhetoric class. While I've made steady and useful progress, I've still got a long way to go. This has me pretty well freaking out since it's due Thursday and I'm working Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday night. At this point I'm crossing my fingers that--in spite of needing hours at work--that I'll get flexed at least one of those nights. Otherwise, I'm not sure how I'll pull this off short of not sleeping more than 4 hours a night for the rest of the week (and even then it's doubtful).

I admit I kind of slacked on working on this thing in favor of the Poetics assignment that was due on Friday, but it's not like I wasn't doing homework at all. In retrospect I feel like I should've done much more for this assignment over the last week though. I keep telling myself that somehow I will manage to pull this off, but it seems like my many hours of work on it tonight (my only solid day of homework available this week) has barely gotten me anywhere. To add insult to injury, at present I find myself so burnt out on the thing that my plans to work on it for another couple hours seem sort of silly. I'd probably do better to just go to sleep and get up earlier than usual tomorrow to do some work on it, but the stress adrenaline has me wired. Still more unfortunate is that when I sat down to try and type part of it up I couldn't do much more than stare at the screen; hence why I'm writing mundanity here.

Another thing in my stressed-out brain is the way all this school work is trying to destroy my relationships. Right now, my homework takes up so much of my time that my social life consists of hanging out with my friends while we all do homework. Regrettably, this is also the case with my boyfriend. For the past eight weeks it's been a debate between being behind on the reading for my classes and spending time with him. It sucks. I'm thinking I may only take one class next semester since I'll still have to work full time (still no qualifying for financial aid). I can't take this insanity again. Hell, I can't take this insanity now.

Grad school, you slay me.
mandy12052: (optimism)
Welcome to the Sunshine State... Forecast for today is Thunderstorms with a high of 81 degrees. It's pouring, which has ruined our plans for a beach day. However, we did manage to go have fun doing that yesterday.

On the other hand, I need to be writing my Poetics essay anyway. I'm having a really hard time with it. I've got a decent outline at this point, but I can't seem to start writing anything. This is also why I've got a rambling stream of stuff going on here. I figure if I can't write that maybe it'll help me to take a minute and write something else. It's only sort of working.

In other news... the trip has been good so far. We've made it to the beach once, and we'll probably go again on Thursday. Had a late-night trip to Wal*Mart wherein I bought my sister a schnazzy beach chair that ended up matching her beach umbrella (we weren't even trying to make that happen, but it did). Last night we went out to Robbie O'Connell's Pub, and then to Frank's for some free pool and inexpensive beer. Good times. We've also been eating tasty food, which will continue tonight with shrimp kabobs on the grill. Sister and I are going out with a couple of her friends for a girls night. Tomorrow will be spent doing touristy things in St. Augustine: Ripley's Museum, Old West photos, an Alligator Farm, and possibly a fort. Oh the excitement!

In the meantime, I've gotta try and make myself write something, even if it sucks. It's the first draft, after all. I think in order to do this though, I've gotta make myself stop watching [ profile] nicktheshrubber play Ratchet&Clank.



mandy12052: (Default)

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