mandy12052: (flower)
Clearing away the detritus on my cork board in preparation for transfer I came across this poem, and it made me pensive. Oh the people we were, and the people we've become. The memory of this description is still so vivid for me, and I often wonder whether I still hold such allure so many years later.

Transcribed below from a printout:
A Miracle
(for Mandy Peck)
by Miko
10.20.05

Amongst others that I've completely missed,
Or forgotten, or felt at least for a moment and selfishly
Abandoned in preference of blame and angst

I met you tonight, and wanted to wake up upon realization
Of what you did for me -

Tonight, you walked by, and I remembered that,
I couldn't keep my eyes from you,
And you came so to our table,
Continuing to sit while we became
Alone

Green and white and orange, and another color -
I do forget,
Sumerian symbols of our stars
And the hunger for transcribing something other
Than ourselves,
The cuts of your eyes and their particular slants
That feminize the difficult and masculate the effortless
Sitting with you kept me on the edge
Of my breath,
And you were so golden
About being alive,
I wanted to take you away right there,
Maybe to the peak of Sandia,
Or, to the next moment we were to have...

A month ago I write this, and at the same moment,
Today.
I've done only one thing in my life for the full
Cycle of our Viscous Moon,
And wanted to include you
In my effort to share a life.
mandy12052: (Default)
I have no idea why I saved this next bit; perhaps because I liked the poem. It's a photocopy out of a book. I have no idea what book, but I'm assuming it's an anthology of some sort. This poem apparently appears on page 27 (as denoted in the upper right hand corner of my copy).

Proletarian in Abstract Light )



As an aside... formatting this to make it appear as it does on my photocopy caused me to learn a new-to-me html tag in order to make indentation happen. Neat!
mandy12052: (flower)
This was written for me several years ago. It was the night I met Miko and Christina at Blue Dragon Coffee House. I had stepped outside for a cigarette while the two nonsmokers I was with continued their conversation. It's nice to reminisce... I can still picture the moon, the little tables with their mismatched chairs that littered the slim patio of that place, the golden light from the windows inside that lit the table. Much of the carefree attitude of that night is lost, but the recollection is what keeps us friends despite whatever changes we have wrought upon ourselves in the following years. Oh, memories.

A Miracle )
mandy12052: (white)
Goodbye to the friend I never knew.

Your bittersweet departure makes me reminisce in the brief moments we shared in childhood. The truths we knew about each other, but never revealed. I didn't really know you then. We crossed paths in a youth we couldn't wait to escape, and in that found a common ground.

A decade later, it happened again. We laughed about days gone by we now missed, realizing how we took that youth and its freedom for granted. In those ten years we both had changed and didn't know each other now. I lost track of you again except for things I heard in passing (and responses I regret saying). That's how I heard you died.

So goodbye to the friend I never knew.

Wish I had known you better.
mandy12052: (Default)
ode to an outcast )

Feedback? Anyone... anyone?
mandy12052: (Default)
You throw me for a loop
Make me want to throw it all
Out the window
I'm pulled in opposite directions
But that's just me
State of nature
Can't make decisions
About most things
Most of the time
Disengage, disassemble
The smallest things
In the confines of my mind
I'd share it all with you
And I don't even
Know why
You're part of the
Unknown
Yet I'm not afraid
I've found nothing to fear
At all
But that one thing
Is what scares me most of all
And at the same time
Leaves me more comfortable
Than anything else ever could
mandy12052: (Default)
I can't stand the way you talk to me
Makes me feel like shit
Displacement and deceit
I'm blackened from the inside out
Spontaneous combustion
You burn me unexpectedly
And it took so long to notice
Never thought I'd hate you
Never expected to sink so low
But you've given me no choice
mandy12052: (nose)
I walked briskly the entire way. Wasn't dressed for this weather. Even took the time warp to try and get home faster, but it didn't help. Neither did the smoldering ash I breathed into my lungs the entire way. I was still freezing by the time I got home. Turned on the heater and stood over the grating to try and defrost my numb toes. The warmth ran up my legs and wrapped around my torso. I thought about you the entire time. Wish you didn't work so much. I'd love to talk to you right now. I pondered old love today. Wondering what would be different this time if anything. Guess I don't know. I just know something is. There's something about you, something about us, that I don't quite understand but don't need to.
mandy12052: (Default)
meep )
mandy12052: (Default)
bad poetry )
mandy12052: (wings)
contextual distortion )
mandy12052: (flower)
You say you like my laughter, is it like this? )
mandy12052: (white)
Let this poison pour through me, into my empty stomach. It burns all my inhibitions away. Not that I had many to begin with.

"This wheelchair is made from the bones of the dead."

What is it that makes me become this person, playing off all the comments and actions of those that surround me? Is this really who I am?

"Their blood and sweat."

The poison coats me, through and through. I'm going to act the way I feel, but I won't share my emotions. I've got everyone fooled.

"Hear them tremble."

How did I end up here? Drinking my sorrows away, though I'm not even sad. Can I feel anything?

"This is the beginning of a death metal song."

You make me feel. Surrounded by all these people, you are the only one I see. Out of the darkness, you are a beacon in the distance, but mere paces away.

"...."

I can't even touch you. My green envy so perfectly matches your eyes. Should it hurt to look at you? Because I enjoy it too much. Maybe I just like the pain.

"Doo doo bee doo bee doo."

Somewhere along the way I lost sight of it. I thought I lost myself, my soul. I found it in the grey reflections, making the indigo brighter. Part of my existence hangs on that. I don't know whether to love it or loathe it.
mandy12052: (Default)
ellipsis )
mandy12052: (Flowers)
In 30 minutes I have to take a final for my Shakespeare class. I haven't really studied.

And it doesn't help that my mind is further from the thought of Shakespeare than it's ever been. I am so sedate right now, lost in the thoughts of all the other things occupying my mind of late. I don't know what to think, what to feel. In the back of my mind is that smallest bit of fear. Fear that I've come so close to having something absolutely amazing only to have lost sight of it again. But I can't control my emotions let alone someone else's. So I can do nothing but sit, attempt to distract myself with whatever means possible, and wait.

bad poetry )
mandy12052: (Default)
Sometimes I feel like I'm lying to myself by not telling you how I feel.
I wish I could be honest, could just come out and say it.
I don't even know what's holding me back.
We'd both be better off if I could just tell you.
Yet I pause.
I wait for that opportune moment I know will never come.
Because it's already passed.
So every passing minute is the opportune moment.
That point in time when I ought to just pick up the phone.
Or type that email.
Or write that letter.
But I don't.
And I can't quite say why.
I just wish I would.
So that we could both get on with our lives.
And you would stop wasting your time with me.
This is one-sided.
This isn't love.
But I appreciate all that you've done and said.
Please forgive me if I've hurt you.
I never meant to.
I'm sorry it took so long...
To tell you.
mandy12052: (Flowers)
On love:
This is too surreal
Being surrounded by it
Throws my mind curve balls

On the fridge:
Costume of that look
Will spike cutely pretty love
Spin this game tonight

On [livejournal.com profile] catblade:
My mother's family
A bunch of degenerates
My father's likewise
mandy12052: (Flowers)
Can you still see my soul? See, this is very important: I seem to have lost my mind recently, but as long as I still have a soul there's hope for me yet.

The fountain in the center of the pond sprays up and the water comes splashing back down. Mesmerizing me into submission. I can't look away without a considerable amount of effort.

I hear the sound of a plane flying overhead, just after takeoff, but can't see anything but the piercing sunlight when I turn skyward.

Gentle breeze blows past me, making no sound, but carrying with it the words of the trees and the songs of the birds. Can't speak the language though, and the brilliant thoughts they were willing to share are wasted on me. I still listen.

Two ducks scream poast in their low-laying flight, one chasing the other. Their argument becomes a short film in this theater that is the pond.

Not all who wander are lost. I've found myself again, but my mind still wanders, surrounded by constant distraction. Despite whatever efforts I may make, it still keeps me from the necessary accomplishments, though my conscience persists.
mandy12052: (Flowers)
I miss you like a flower
Plucked from the vine.
Pulled away from the warmth
Of the sunlight.
No longer allowed
To bask in the glow.
Unable to quench its thirst
With the spring rain.
That sprinkling shower seeping
Into the lush soil.
Swept into a beautiful bouquet
But lasting only shortly.
Surrounded by other flowers
Yet quickly fading away.
Wanting only to return
To the solace of the sunlight.
The ambience that is you
Engulfing me.
Keeping every part of me
Warm deep into the night.

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September 2014

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