mandy12052: (clover)
Stop Falling )

Just the current state of affairs that seems to reflect my sentiments of late.
mandy12052: (clover)
What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life.

--Walt Whitman.

Ah, Walt... sometimes I just love you man.

Musings

Aug. 4th, 2005 07:26 pm
mandy12052: (flower)
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Yet you never cease to shock me )
mandy12052: (flower)
I love you. That's the bottom line.
mandy12052: (cafe terrace)
I've only been gone for an hour. Everyone was still awake (from their all nighter) when I left.

I walked in, and there they were, cuddled together in the early morning light. My heart slowly shattered. I should have known this would happen, but that's what I get for investing my emotions in something to early--as usual. It doesn't matter how much someone seems to like me. If I actually come across something worthwhile, someone inspiring, there's always someone they think is better who comes along. I should have known this would happen.

But I guess at the same time I could embrace the event for the fact that I no longer have to be bothered with the circumstances between he and I. Or rather, the lack of circumstances that stemmed so unexpectedly from our barely blossoming romance. Guess the frost came early this year. I'll have to try again next season.

Or maybe just look for something that better stands the test of time. Oh tannenbaum, where are you?
mandy12052: (cafe terrace)
And I don't know how it makes me feel. I mean, initially I was giddy, and then went to bed and had the best sleep I'd had in a while. The following day was fabulous. But I'm still so confused about where we stand. And the age difference really bothers me. I wish I could figure this out without having to wait, but all I can really do is hang out and see what happens between us. Gyah!

In other news, RAWR!

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Too bad Burnindecember deleted his journal and doesn't talk to me anymore. Such is life. Of course, I know he still reads it because he comments anonymously. What a lame-o. Eh well.

Gots to be going now... I wish I could write more, but I've got to go to the stupid job at 500. With any luck, tonight will be busier than last night and I'll actually make some money. That would definitely be a good thing.
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
So I didn't realize (until Amber brought it to my attention by leaving me random messages) how long it had been since the last time I wrote anything in here. I mean, I know it's only been about a week but it seems like longer since so much has happened in the past 7 days.

The day-by-day analysis )

But anyhoo... that's the news for now and I've been typin this jazz for an hour, so I need to stop and go to bed. It's like 230 by now. So yeah, catch ya later kids.
mandy12052: (pyramid)
But I try not to think about it. Especially considering how many guys have treated me like shit in that two weeks before valentines day in the course of my lifetime. I don't want to elaborate here, but needless to say I have a dislike for V-day. At least it doesn't matter too much since I'll be working tonigt anyhow. I just hae to hope they put me in a good section.

Well then, in better news... I got all dressed up on Thursday in my new corset and such and looked like a cross between something out of the Victorian era and A Clockwork Orange. Which was awesome. Trace (one of the guy's from Sarah's band) had this bowler hat that he let me wear. It was awesome. I took pictures too, so if I get them scanned I'll post. We went to Sparky's after party for the Goth Ball and I ran into Drew. Hadn't seen him in weeks so that was awesome. He really likes his new job, but no one ever goes to visit him. I wish I could but I'm usually to busy. I dunno... maybe I'll try and make it sometime next week. That would be cool.

Hmm... I don't remember what else I was going to talk about. I have to go get my laundry anyhow.
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
There are so many more useful things I could be doing right now, I'm sure. But I'm sitting on my ass typing in the journal.

*Insert long pause here*

The irony is that I can't think of anything with real substance to write about. I should be emailing the people in my English class. I should be taking my Econ quiz. I should be doing my Algebra homework. But I'm not. I'm here.

I am Jack's wasted life. )

Hmm... this is a really good movie. But I think it's pissing off my subconscious.

Well, that and other things. I've slipped back into thinking that David is an asshole. He never called me after he promised--repeatedly, though I didn't press him--that he would when he got off work on Tuesday. And I really don't feel possessed of a mind to worry about it so much anymore. I love David. I'd probably give up other opportunities because of it (and this would probably get me in a shitty place). But I don't think I care so much right now. I figure I'll just play the field for a while. If he calls me, I'll talk to him. I'll call back if he leaves a message, but I refuse to be the sole person providing any effort.

Anyhoo. This has turned out to be a much more negative entry than I originally intended. I believe I shall stop now.
mandy12052: (Default)
It's a difficult thing to be hung up on someone. I'm slowly getting to the point where I want to give up on it though. I just don't want to. I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes... it's frustrating.

Hmm... Christine got so fucked up last night. Poor thing. I hope she really feels better this morning. I'm not sure whether she does or not. I hope she's surviving her qualifying stuff. But yeah....

I have to get ready for work now. And the job is always good since I spent more money this afternoon on a corset than I should have. But I'll get into that later.
mandy12052: (Default)
But that's common knowledge anyway.

I find myself suffering David withdrawls a lot lately. I keep listening to all this music and I find some way to relate it to him. I hate it when I do that kind of stuff with people. But I miss him. I miss him so much I want to cry. Hell... I've started counting the days since the last time I saw him (11... isn't that horrible). Hell, I haven't even talked to him since Saturday! Really bothers me. I'm so worried about him what with all the stuff that's going on. I figure he's just too busy to really come in contact with anyone. I don't think Lenny's even heard from him and they're like best friends. But then there's the part of me that gets all negative about all of it and wonders if maybe he's decided to rid himself of me now that we don't work together or something. Perish the thought, perish the thought, eh?

Other than that things are going fairly well. I've been making pretty good money at work lately. Unfortunately I'm still spending it too quickly, but I plan on changing that very quickly. Oh, and I finally made it onto the board where they post the top add-ons and alcohol sales for the week. I was fourth in add-ons with like $4.83 or something and then my alcohol was like $1.80. I was in first place!!! Yay!!! So I'm all proud of myself.

Well then... I shall now be heading over to Sarah's to read an essay for her and work on a bit of homework. I'm going to hang out at Brad's tonight (aka DJ Sparky Dog) to see his new place and just chill. I guess he's going to cook dinner or something, but I'm not too sure about that. Either way, just friends so it's all good. It'll be nice to just hang out.

But yeah, shutting up now.
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
I must commit the following to writing so that I will have it later. Why? Because anymore my memory sucks so bad that when I go to repeat things I've decided on, those things are no longer accessible to me when the time comes. So here goes.

BTW, if you're sick of hearing things about David, skip this entry.

I talked to Sarah Fayad about my current situation and found myself realizing things that I hadn't completely realized previously. But anyway, to get to the point...

I've come to several conclusions:
I love David so much that I will do anything to try and preserve what's left of the passion we have for each other. It's difficult to deal with what's going on when no one around me thinks that David and I should be together, but I don't care what anyone else thinks about it anymore. Granted, try as I might, it's probably going to be impossible for me to not take others opinions into account. Also, even though a mutual acquaintance claims that David says he's ready to move on, I don't believe it. At least, not fully. If David really wanted or was ready to move on, he would have ended the relationship by now. Hell, for all I know this instance could merely be something similar to what happened last weekend. All that is happening to David and I right now is a test of our bond, whether it deals directly with the relationship or not (so this includes my stresses about school as well as David's legal problems). Because I have decided this, I am going to follow my heart and try to salvage things with David. After all, whether it makes sense to people that David and I shouldn't be together, love has nothing to do with reason. I have to follow my heart. I feel deep within my soul that David and I have a strong bond. My feelings for David are unlike any of those I have ever felt. I could spend the rest of my life with him. I'd even wait until he was out of jail if he asked me (in the unlikely event that's where he ends up). There is something powerful between us, and if it has to be tested in whatever way, in the end it can only make the bond stronger.

This is how I feel. And screw the rest of the world if they choose not to accept it, because I could care less whether they do or not.
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
There is so much drama going on in my life right now I almost wonder why I'm taking some time to write in here. I mean, there is so much other stuff I could be doing. I guess it's just the inherent procrastinator in me. That and the fact that I'm too stressed out about all the stuff I have to get done to actually do any of it. Sure, there's plenty I could be doing right now, but I'm just, well, not doing it.

I have to admit, there's a large portion of my stress do in part to all the David drama, which seems to be neverending. I got into a bad situation the other night that I totally could've prevented and now David is totally pissed at me. I mean, he's talking to me and being nice, but I'm pretty sure it's all on the verge of being over. And I feel like I'm the only one who cares. I'm trying so hard to follow my heart, to do what it tells me, and put effort into staying with David and trying to salvage what's left after my destruction. But it's so hard when no one else will support me in that decision. It seems like no one wants me to be with David. My friends are telling me to move on; my mom says that maybe he's no the one; Randy says I shouldn't date him because of his past and my sister agrees; people at work are telling me not to bother, to just move on because supposedly that's what David is ready for. But it's so hard to just give it up after the time and effort I've already put in. And if he's ready to move on, why doesn't he just say so? Why can't he just be straight with me about how he's feeling about the situation? I mean, I know he's mad at me and it's justified. I know he feels like he can't trust me anymore, feels betrayed. But he sometimes gives me the impression that he could forgive me, eventually. Otherwise, why would we still be together? Is he waiting for me to make the move? Shit, everyone else is. It's so damn frustrating, but I just can't do it. I don't want to live without him. He's pulled me in, and now I love him too much to want to imagine things any other way. I hate that I've ended up in this situation at all. I hate that I've let this happen to myself, when I could have prevented it all and been in some happy-go-lucky place right now. But no, I let myself get into a bad situation and didn't do anything to get out.

Fuck. How is it I manage to get myself into these places all the time?

And all I can think about is this song: I Don't Wanna )
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
Soooo...yeah and stuff. Here's the scoop on the drama that seems to so encompass my life lately:

Yet it's waayy too long to just throw out in the open... )

Violated

Nov. 25th, 2003 11:23 pm
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
It's 1123 now and still no call from David. I feel so violated right now I can't even describe it. I was downstairs hanging out with Christine and the rugby guys, etc... but I decided to come back here about 20 minutes ago. I sit here in silence trying to bring myself to pack, but I just can't do it. I mean, it's fine if he's decided he doesn't want to come see me, but he hasn't called either. It's so goddamn disrespectful. I don't understand it. Why doesn't the guy just break up with me already if he doesn't want to be around me at all... If he doesn't want to talk to me or spend time with me or share what's going on in his life with me!?!?! It hurts me so much. I feel like my insides, all my emotions have been torn away at the root and mutilated. And yet throughout all this, I still have that lingering hope remaining alive in the back of my mind. I think that's what makes it the worst; the fact that I still hold on to him, that I still hold onto what seemed so perfect in the beginning. And what's worse is that all I've gotten from this experience is the continued realization that I've managed to fuck up again. I've managed to give of myself too much once again and I've been fucked over yet again. I wish so badly that I could cry right now. I wish that I was fighting back tears right now, but for some reason I can't even bring myself to do that. Why is it that every time I want to cry I can't? Why is it that I keep putting myself in these situations? It makes me hate myself, makes me hate my life. It makes me consider doing things to myself that I know in the back of my mind I should never consider. I'm in such a sad, dreary place right now, and there's no one to share my pain. Where the fuck are the tears?!?
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
Last night I called David and left a message asking for a favor. He called me back when he got off work and asked what I was needing. I verified that he was working all day Tuesday and then asked the favor.
I said to him, "Can I have some of your time tomorrow night?"
D-"Sure, but my time is pretty valuable right now."
M-"I know. Can I have some of it?"
D-"Sure. Hey, I'm driving past a cop right now, let me call you back right now."
M-"Okay."
Needless to say he never called me back. I wasn't surprised, but I'm pretty used to him doing that so I didn't really let it get to me. So I went on my merry way hanging out with Sarah Fayad at the Flying Star and then watching South Park later. It was a blast. Then I went to Hollywood Video with Christine and spent money that I shouldn't on used DVDs. So that was yesterday.

And it goes on. ) So here I am, chillin'. And the time is passing rather quickly which is good. I just hope David doesn't let me down.
mandy12052: (anubis)
So wow. Yeah. I've done some pretty interesting stuff in the past few days.

I don't even know where to begin. I've procrastinated a lot. I'm amazed that I finished my English paper at all. It was originally due on Monday, at which point I was about half way done. Luckily, when I got to class I found out we were doing peer reviews, so I had until Wednesday to finish my paper. Then, I was off on Tuesday night, but (for reasons I will explain shortly) I still didn't get the paper done. So this morning I didn't go to my Sociology class and basically spat out the rest of my paper all the way until the last minute. But I got it done, weak conclusion and all. Maybe I'll revise it a little and put it in my portfolio at the end of the semester to be graded. I dunno.

So yeah. Now for the drama on Tuesday that prevented me from getting my paper done. I worked in the morning, but David and I had planned that he would drive down here when I got off and we would hang out. So I got off work at about 330 and gave him a call. No answer. So I hung out with Christine for a while and called him again at around 5. Still no answer. So Christine and I went to dinner at Chili's. By the time 8 o'clock rolled around, I was pretty upset about things. I was worried that something had happened to him or that I had done something wrong. I decided to drive to Santa Fe. I'm not sure what possessed me to do it, but I went. I drove 51 miles and attempted to follow the directions he had told me about a week before. It took about half an hour, but eventually I found his apartment. I found his cars. I knew I was in the right place.

But I was afraid to knock on the door. I called Christine, and she convinced me to do it. So I went back up there and gave it a try. No answer. So I left a note on his car. I called him again and left a message. Then I drove home, crying for the first 10 miles or so. I felt like such an idiot for having driven up there at all. So there went another two hours of not writing my paper. I got back to the room and I couldn't stay there. So I ended up going down to see the rugby guys & co. with Christine until about midnight, when I came back and went to bed.

David called me this morning at 722. He apologized for not calling and told me that he'd lost his phone. He said he found it about 2am, but didn't want to call me because he didn't want to wake me up. I said, "Next time, I don't care what time it is. Call me. I was so worried about you, I wouldn't have cared." So that was the end of that part of the drama.

I found out from David that he's got some issues going on right now that are taking up all of his time. He finally told me what's been happening the past few days (something that I can't write about here), and I'm even more worried than before. But at least I know what's going on. And I'm praying (I know, non-religious type praying, crazy eh?) that it all turns out positively. If they don't, then I'll pretty much lose the best guy I've ever met for the next several years. I hope to God that doesn't happen. I hope to God this doesn't happen to David in the prime of his life.

So yeah... time to think about something else before I get too depressed over that jazz.

I bought Finding Nemo yesterday. I love that movie. Absolutely love it. It's so cute and hilarious!! Makes me happy.

I took a Music Theory test tonight that was damn hard. I hope I get a good grade on it, because I realized while I was taking it that I didn't study nearly as much as I should have. But yeah, not a lot I can do about that now.

Hmm... I can't believe it's already November. There's only like 6 weeks left in the semester. And I have no idea what I'm going to take next spring. I'd make an appointment with an advisor, but I'm starting to question my choice of majors again and there's a "Choose A Major" fair on the 19th. I think I'll go to that before I make any appointments. I just have to hope that there are still classes I want to take by the time I get that far. Of course, I could just wait until after the disenrollment date before I do anything. But even that has no guaruntees.

Well then... nothing left to write about so I believe I shall be going now.
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
I don't understand it... Everything was so perfect in the beginning. But something has changed. I just can't decide what it is.

I hate that I think of these things, dwell on these things, in the middle of the night.

Why does it have to be this way? Why do you say you'll do something and then don't? I know this is a recent development and I'm confused. Oh so confused by you.

I wish it wasn't like this for me. I wish I could just pass it off as my own craziness. Because deep down I know that's what it must be.

I can see it in your eyes. See that you care, that you love me, and that what you do is never intentional. That you don't mean to hurt me, that you never would.

But at the same time, I don't think you realize that you hurt me. I don't think you see it at all. And I wish I could tell you when you do, but I just don't have the courage to.

Why does it have to be this way? It's so confounding. So astonishing.

I love you so much. Do you still love me as you did on that windy October night, driving home beneath the stars?

Say yes, please say yes.
mandy12052: (anubis)
So I am a little disquieted right now. But I know I did the right thing in the situation I just found myself in.

I was hanging out with this guy Gerald I know, right? Now, I don't flirt with this guy or anything. Yeah, he's cute and nice, but he's a pothead. So any crush I had on him was gone the moment it began (which was when I first met him at the beginning of the semester). But I still hang out with him every once in a while. So we were just in his room watching TV with his roommate. Then Gerald realizes that he needs to go get the rest of his laundry and asks me to come. I decided to come up here to work on the English paper that I've been trying to work on yet keep procrastinating about all day. Next thing I know we're walking down the hallway and the guy is leaning over to kiss me.

WHOA! Hold it!!

Totally had to push the guy away. Wow. I've never been in a situation like this before. I'm so upset right now. I didn't realize it was like that for him at all. I just really wish I could talk to David. But he's not answering his phone.

Gerald kept moving closer and closer to me while we were in his room. But I didn't think anything of it at the time. But in retrospect I'd say I should have. Geez. I'd say things are going to be a bit awkward between us now. Damnit. I have a class with this guy. I really don't want to deal with this.

Where the hell is David. >_< I am so uncomfortable right now. I feel guilty that I've even put myself in that kind of situation.
mandy12052: (isis-osiris)
I love David. Really, truly love David. And I know it's making me into one of those sappy romantics but I don't care. Hell, I kind of was one already anyway. Now I just have a way to express it. Or rather, someone to express it to. I've had kind of a stupid grin on my face all day today because of it, and on top that I keep walking around looking at everything and seeing all sorts of beauty. Birds chirping, leaves falling from the trees. Ahh... love.

God, sometimes I sound really pathetic as a hopeless romantic. But yeah, still love David. And he loves me.

He said some of the most beautiful things to me last night. I was in a kind of negative mood yesterday at work when I was finishing my shift and he was beginning his and I was kind of a bitch to him. And he had seemed kind of distant and I thought to myself later, "Shit, I'll bet I really fucked things up now." But apparently he just realized that I needed some space at the time and so he gave it to me. How considerate is that?!?! And I confessed to him that I was afraid of losing him and he told me that I was ridiculous to feel that way. I don't know. I just feel like every time I think something is going wrong, David tells me all about how wrong I am. Every time I have any doubts, he just eliminates them. I just can't help but love this guy.

Oh yeah, and at some point I'll get a picture of David on here for you Janet. ^_^

Gotta go... time to get ready for class!

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