mandy12052: (white)
The immense toll that work takes on me is catching up again. I don't know how else to explain it.

About halfway through the fall semester, I started to get rather burnt out. Nigh overwhelming exhaustion kept creeping around the edges of my existence. I suspect a similar phenomenon is happening to me now. Of course, I'm sure the time change has something to do with it. I've felt it with more intensity than I can remember ever having happened to me. I think it's that somewhere in the past several months I started to really adjust to being diurnal, but it was apparently within the confines of the hours of the day being labeled differently. I'm so exhausted this week, and it hasn't been a particularly busy week. At least, no more demanding than has been typical the last six months. I can see why my mom always had a deep appreciation for summer break, even if her vacation was in tandem with that of her children. I will so appreciate that time when it comes (even if I do spend a significant amount of it planning and preparing for next school year).

The funny part is, I'm incredibly tired right now, yet in an effort to get myself on the path to readjustment I'm staying up a bit later. In the meantime I've begun my to-do list for the weekend. So far, it has 7 separate tasks on it of varying lengths. I feel like I spend every weekend playing catch-up so that I can avoid stress the following week. So I guess it's more a matter of playing get-ahead rather than playing catch-up. It helps a lot during the subsequent week, but I'm so sick of not having a real weekend. I keep telling myself things will be different next year, and I hope I'm right about it. I fairly certain that doing work in the summer is a necessary evil in the attempt to make that a reality. I also have to remind myself that I'll be taking fewer classes next year and that will help.

I've been saying that having a spring break in the middle of April is ridiculous. After all, there will only be five weeks of school after that. But with each passing day I realize that I will so appreciate that break despite the fact that part of me would rather just tack an extra week onto summer if the short break is so near the long one. A break is a break; I should take what I can get.

Now I just have to convince myself to allow myself so respite when it's here...
mandy12052: (ffxii)
I know I hardly look at this place, this livejournal. When I do it's much like looking at some clichè from a Warner Bros. cartoon or an old western... that moment when there's hardly anything there and the tumbleweed rolls across the panorama. I always tell myself I should use it more. Maybe if I take the time for this when I feel inclined to spill out my thoughts just for the sake of getting it out of my head, the inclination to pay a fee every year to avoid ads will actually be worth it?

My mom seems to think I write in a journal all the time, but truthfully it only happens every couple of months (either in paper or electronically). I want to change that. I want to allow myself to take the time to organize my crowded thoughts. I'm often the sort of person who can't think clearly about things without removing them from my head in some fashion--whether it's writing it down or just having someone who'll listen with a willingness to do nothing more than help me get things straight. Being that my work keeps me so busy, I think I should use the electronic option more often. Maybe I'll even get the occasional bit of feedback!

For now, though, I must prepare to take Rorschach for his annual appointment.


"This News update brought to you by LiveJournal. 'Say bye bye to ads for $19.95!' You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, Where it's 'All Mandy, All the Time.' Thanks for listening."


Feb. 18th, 2014 08:23 pm
mandy12052: (white)
You stare at the screen.
You click through the things.
You watch the TV, even a couple sad movies just to see if that will help the tears come.
You wait for the grief to come, and start to wonder if it ever will.

I've been told that "Maybe it just doesn't feel real yet."
I've been told that the "shock" will pass and things will sink in.
I've been told a lot of sympathetic words, but the tone is shallow from most mouths.

I don't know when it will happen for me, that moment of actualization.
Probably when I see my mother cry as we sort through the remnants of a life now passed, but that won't happen until summertime.

So I continue to focus on living, because that's what she would want.
Yet occasionally there are moments such as this one, where the inclination to reflect comes along.

I'm going to go stare at something else now.
mandy12052: (jiji)
So I guess it must be time to spew a bit of my thoughts out onto this as I can't seem to focus on the homework I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be writing about Functional Behavior Assessments and why they're important, but I have no desire to read the chapter a second time and figure out what should go into my one-page response/reflection. Luckily for me, I have until class time tomorrow to get it done. Perhaps the inspiration will come to me in the middle of the night or something.

Seeing as how it's been such a long time, I feel I should begin with a sort of general thing to bring you all up to speed (as if you aren't already, as most of you are friends with me on the "facespace"). Here's a list:

1. Last fall I started in on a post-Baccalaureate program at CNM to get a teaching certificate. I'm intending to get dual licensure in Secondary Education (Language Arts) and Special Education. This will not only allow me to use my Bachelor's degree, but will also net me a day job. I've gotten myself an intern license so I can start working as a teacher while finishing all the stuff for an actual license (hopefully next fall I will be putting this to use).
2. [ profile] nicktheshrubber and I got engaged. Wedding plans are hectic and happening, though most of the big stuff is done now. We are still debating stuff like invitations, ceremony wordings, and what to make the cake look like. Ya know, the little stuff that you don't realize you have to do until you've done the really big stuff, e.g. finding a venue.
3. Spent a week helping my grandparents work on downsizing the amount of stuff they have in order for them to move from AZ to CO where they will have a safer, easier living environment. Scored some amazing stuff as a result of "keeping sentimental/valuabe things in the family." I got everything from a cast-iron Dutch oven to antique china teacups to a whole roomful of wicker furniture. [ profile] nicktheshrubber and I have added another bill to our financial situation in the form of a storage unit so we have somewhere to put it.
4. Rorschach is still around, and doing fantastically. He is a much better pooch than he once was, as he has calmed down in his older age as well as lost his paunch (he was getting pretty chunky for a while, but that another story).

Anyhoo... I believe I should be going as it appears that dinner is almost ready (Teriyaki stir fry!!! SQUEE!!), which means it's just about time for some Walking Dead, Deadwood, etc. Cheers!

This KMND News Update brought to you by Slackers. They're all around us! You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, where it's "All Mandy, All the Time." Thanks for tuning in!
mandy12052: (white)
Keeping a paid account, that is. I mean, I just checked to see when I last made a post, and it's been nearly two years. Yet I've happily allowed LJ to charge me $18.15 a year for a paid account for I don't know how many years now. On the other hand, now that I've been reminded that LJ exists (due to the email reminder about my paid account extension) perhaps I will manage to put things here more often.

I think I need a medium with more space for loquaciousness. I keep meaning to spend more time writing in my paper journal, but I'm not getting that done. It takes too much time (I can't write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts), and for some reason people are invasive about the idea of someone writing in a notebook. However, I now have this fancy new laptop and homework that requires I use said laptop on a regular basis. Perhaps between the two things pointing me toward my big screen of clearly defined pixels and fast new processor, I will have the impetus to use this thing. Not to mention, I realize I miss it. I doubt many people read such things anymore, and that's all right. I will prefer this website's makeup to the other selections out there indefinitely. I suspect part of that is that I have no desire to explore such things anymore, and the other part is the fact that I've kept this damn LJ for nigh on a decade. Why change now!
mandy12052: (ffxii)
I had some bills to mail out today, but rather than wait until I was on my way to work to drop them off in the mailbox at the post office I decided to walk the dog. It's a nice day, I had the time, and it seemed like a good idea to be a responsible pet owner.

My dog, Rorschach, has some habits when I walk him that I just can't seem to break. One of these is to sniff anyone who we pass on the sidewalk. Today, one of those people was a slightly elderly gentlemen in a many-layered tattered suit. Rorschach paused to sniff at him, but nothing more than that. Well this guy felt the need to say something about it, but I found it a bit silly.

He says, "Ya know if that dog bites somebody you're gonna have a lot of trouble on your hands."

The only response I could think of that wouldn't cause a ridiculous confrontation on the street was, "He didn't even touch you."

Now, despite my projective voice and relative audibility on the semi-quiet side street, he didn't hear me and I had to repeat myself. I left it at that, but couldn't help thinking to myself, "Thank you Captain Obvious. Now mind ya binness." Aside from the fact that Rorschach didn't touch the guy, he did nothing hostile and was properly leashed. I don't know what possessed the guy to feel the need to lecture me about my dog. It's one of those moments where I wonder, "If you can't handle dealing with society and interacting with others, why do you leave your house?"

Strangers say the darndest things.
mandy12052: (unicorn)
A friend asked me today in conversation why I'm so obsessed with getting 200 books read this year. He seemed to not understand the necessity of the pursuit, or why I felt I needed to have such a goal. At the time, I told him that it was because I liked the anticipation of a long-term goal like this one, and the excitement it instilled in me.

I realized later that it's also because if I didn't set the goal for myself I wouldn't get around to reading the books I have.

I know this, because these books have been on my shelves for years now (about 3, I think), and I have hardly read any of them. Keep in mind that I've been out of my undergraduate studies for 2 years, so school isn't/hasn't been the excuse for my lack of reading that it once was. While I am still happy to report that I got rid of around 200 books last fall/winter when I went through the mass sorting and scrutiny of the books so that I only had books I might be interested in reading. However, in the following 2 months or so, I didn't pick up any of the books I kept. Instead, I read books I borrowed from friends, or books I bought, or whatever. I didn't pick up any books I already had. Realizing this in early January is what compelled me to come up with the goal of reading 200 books.

To be honest, I would consider it spectacular if I make it to more than 150. I'm pretty sure this is more books than most people read in their lifetime. I know it sounds dubious, but I've decided this as a result of my ongoing interactions with my non-nerdy coworkers. Most--dare I say average--people don't read novels and books unless forced to because of external forces (i.e. school). There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm far too much of a book worm for that to be the case. I read at least 30 or 40 books a year in a regular year. That's why I'm confident I could get to 200. I should like to point out that I originally considered setting the goal at 300, but considering that averaged out to a little less than a book a day, I decided it unrealistic for someone with a full time job and any semblance of a social life.

So yeah... if you thought I was just gonna read a bunch of books to be cool, you're a little off the mark. Yes, I'll admit I like how awesomely nerdy I feel as a result of my endeavors, but it's not solely that. It's a productive desire as well. I don't want to have to move all these books over and over. Books are heavy!

Also, what's the point in having a bunch of books if I never get around to reading them?

"This news update brought to you by the Great Calrissian Book Challenge, 'Neither Great Nor Challenge [Discuss!].' You're listening to KMND, Mandy Radio, where it's 'All Mandy, All the Time.' Thanks for tuning in.
mandy12052: (white)
For weeks I've been trying to figure out how to say what it is I want to say. It's ironic that now that I think I have the right words I don't have the time. Instead I must consider this brief interlude to be adequate. I wonder if my ability, as well as the inclination, will still be around tomorrow.

Time will tell.
mandy12052: (white)
I'm sitting here on the couch, staring into the nothingness in front of me, trying to convince myself to make an actual post. It's one of those moments where I debate letting the mindspew happen, or opting for some other sort of activity. It's not that one may or may not be more desireable than the other. It's rather that I'm not sure I actually have anything to share.

My life is the same as my life always seems to be, which is pretty damn good most of the time. I move almost complacently within the ebbs and flows of my existence, which is probably a little too ambivalent if I expect to get anywhere in Life. I don't know when I started acting that way, but I need to change the behavior if only because it doesn't match my attitude.

Hmm... my style of writing has become incredibly conversational since I'm no longer required to regularly write essays. Interesting, but not surprising. At least my typing skills are still adequate.

Guess I don't have too much to say, as I suspected. Time to go slice some apples and make another pie.
mandy12052: (clover)
Let's see if I can manage to straighten my head out a bit today. I usually do this in my hardback journal, but I'm gonna do things a little different this time around. Partly because I never write in this thing, and partly because I don't feel like busting out a pen. I can type much faster than I can write, so the thoughts are easier to get down. Also, since the death of loudtwitter, unless I get on here and write stuff, I'm back to the lack of posting again.

There's been a lot going on in my head lately. It's hard for me to figure a lot of it out, but things fall into a few major categories. First, there's the LSAT (and law school and all that). Then there's my relationships with people (particularly the one with N.). Then there's my job and bills (these fall in together since I only work my current job to pay the bills, really). Then there's all the crap about my future and what it will be (though I don't dwell on this often). Somewhere in all this are my body issues (they only happen when I'm figuring out what to wear after I shower). In the midst of all this are probably several other bits of random that I don't think about and should, such as my art projects, house projects, etc.

Wow... I've put so much into figuring out a preface for all this, a list of things that are necessary to include or what have you, that I'm not sure where to begin. So perhaps for today I will leave it at that, and eventually I'll elaborate more. I'm going to have another bout of making myself write something every day, and I think this will be the place. It'll cover two things at once. That ought to be good. Whatever it is I end up doing here I hope it's productive for me on multiple levels, and by that I mean not just in the sense of putting stuff in my livejournal on a near daily basis.

"This news update brought to you by Neural Processes®, they keep things electrified inside your head. You're listening to KMND: Mandy Radio, where it's 'All Mandy, All the Time.' Thanks for tuning in."
mandy12052: (white)
The rain is pouring outside! I would dance around in it to wash away all my sorrows and frustrations if I actually believed that would do any good. Today hasn't been the best of days, and I wish I knew a way to make it better. A brief interlude with the one who usually makes me smile only served to accentuate my woes. I like the smell of rain, but I kind of miss the sun. All this overcast weather isn't helping my mood much.
mandy12052: (clover)
So... I thought I had all these thoughts to jot down. Then I stared at the screen for a while and can't come up with anything that would begin to be even remotely coherent.

I'm going to bed now.

Also: Yay for snow, but boo for the accompanying cold.
mandy12052: (flower)
There's something about the early morning after a night of intermittent rain. The clouds begin to clear, and the remaining humidity amplifies the clarity of the air as the sunlight begins to shine through it. The subtle prismatic hues and the freshness of the air make me want to skip sleep in favor of experiencing what is bound to be the most exquisite part of the day. Work was so laid back last night that I'm actually a bit ahead on my reading for school. Perhaps I will shower and seek out a bit of caffeine as a modus operandi for finishing the fluffy novel I was reading up until classes commenced...
mandy12052: (white)
I slept too long, but I guess I must've needed to. It's 430, and I'm seriously considering calling into work for one last night of fun with no school work and no other obligations. I think it would be good for me to be able to sit back and contemplate everything that seems to be happening in my head lately. If I just keep trudging along through my obligations I won't get the time to stop and think it all over.


So I called into work. Yay for not working, and therefore being able to sort through the disarray of my mind! I think I'll go do that now, and leave the play-by-play life update for later.


Jan. 8th, 2008 12:56 pm
mandy12052: (Default)
.... today has been an intriguing day, and probably will continue to be such a day.


mandy12052: (Default)

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