mandy12052: (katie)
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe', try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support
mandy12052: (jiji)
Born-Again Hindu

A zealous Christian who was trying to convert a Hindu found himself getting nowhere. "The thing is," argued the frustrated Christian, "you have to be born again!"

"But I have been born again!" insisted the Hindu. "And again and again and again ..."

*giggles*
mandy12052: (blondie)
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
mandy12052: (angel)
Come on baby light my... bulb? )
mandy12052: (Default)
All About Adam

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."

"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."

Eve said, "A man! What's that?"

"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."

"Sounds great!" said Eve.

"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."
mandy12052: (blondie)
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. in the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to
our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P.S.: Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already
had their fill of S.H.I.T.!!! Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

DIRECTOR UNDER THE MAIN BUREAU OF SUPER HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (The "D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.")
mandy12052: (blondie)
Read more... )
mandy12052: (wings)
A joke. )
mandy12052: (Default)
Those crazy jews! )

So I woke up early this morning to work on the Poli Sci paper. It's coming along nicely. I gave up on writing the Chaucer paper in favor of this, just in time for people to give me all the information I needed. Unfortunately, due to the constraints of time, I can't manage to get both done. So goes the war. Next semester, I'll make sure I have all the texts I need, even if it means I have to charge the damn books on a credit card. Of course, being that I won't have to wait an eternity for my financial aid, getting the necessary money won't be a problem. So yeah... spring semester is bound to be a better venture.

Well then... back to the paper before I allow myself to waste too much time.
mandy12052: (white)
So, after a rough day, a bit of entertainment.

A little laugh )

In other news... life is okay. I only have one more paper to write, so stress in that department is quickly lessening. Now if I can just figure out what to write about, then I'll be set!

Going to be broke for the next three weeks at least. I figure out my finances due to some recent developments/agreements and now must make about $1300-$1400 in the next three weeks. That will be an adventure for sure. I will be quite impressed with myself if I manage to pull it off.

And the rest, I don't feel like writing about.
mandy12052: (clover)
For a few laughs...
Some Improvements In Hell )

Other than that, nothing overly exciting today. I went in to work at 930 for a meeting and worked straight through after that until about 400. Did I mention I went to bed at 3am last night? I am one tired Mandy, but at least I don't have to go back tonight.

Now I just have to finish that research paper.
mandy12052: (clover)
Our saucer which art in a colander, draining be your noodles. thy noodle come. thy meatballness be done on earth, as it is meaty in heaven. Give us this day our daily sauce, and forgive us our lack of piracy, as we pirate and smuggle against those who lack piracy with us. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us from non-red meat sauce. For thine is the colander, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever. RAmen.
mandy12052: (Default)
HELL-O! )
mandy12052: (clover)
My favorite tacky religious joke EV-AR )

Oh, and [livejournal.com profile] 7ghent please note that the only reason these jokes have titles is because I get them in my email. I'm not nearly so savvy as I would like to be in order to come up with such things at present.
mandy12052: (nose)
Poke fun at religion )

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