mandy12052: (flower)
Clearing away the detritus on my cork board in preparation for transfer I came across this poem, and it made me pensive. Oh the people we were, and the people we've become. The memory of this description is still so vivid for me, and I often wonder whether I still hold such allure so many years later.

Transcribed below from a printout:
A Miracle
(for Mandy Peck)
by Miko

Amongst others that I've completely missed,
Or forgotten, or felt at least for a moment and selfishly
Abandoned in preference of blame and angst

I met you tonight, and wanted to wake up upon realization
Of what you did for me -

Tonight, you walked by, and I remembered that,
I couldn't keep my eyes from you,
And you came so to our table,
Continuing to sit while we became

Green and white and orange, and another color -
I do forget,
Sumerian symbols of our stars
And the hunger for transcribing something other
Than ourselves,
The cuts of your eyes and their particular slants
That feminize the difficult and masculate the effortless
Sitting with you kept me on the edge
Of my breath,
And you were so golden
About being alive,
I wanted to take you away right there,
Maybe to the peak of Sandia,
Or, to the next moment we were to have...

A month ago I write this, and at the same moment,
I've done only one thing in my life for the full
Cycle of our Viscous Moon,
And wanted to include you
In my effort to share a life.
mandy12052: (Default)
I have no idea why I saved this next bit; perhaps because I liked the poem. It's a photocopy out of a book. I have no idea what book, but I'm assuming it's an anthology of some sort. This poem apparently appears on page 27 (as denoted in the upper right hand corner of my copy).

Proletarian in Abstract Light )

As an aside... formatting this to make it appear as it does on my photocopy caused me to learn a new-to-me html tag in order to make indentation happen. Neat!
mandy12052: (flower)
This was written for me several years ago. It was the night I met Miko and Christina at Blue Dragon Coffee House. I had stepped outside for a cigarette while the two nonsmokers I was with continued their conversation. It's nice to reminisce... I can still picture the moon, the little tables with their mismatched chairs that littered the slim patio of that place, the golden light from the windows inside that lit the table. Much of the carefree attitude of that night is lost, but the recollection is what keeps us friends despite whatever changes we have wrought upon ourselves in the following years. Oh, memories.

A Miracle )
mandy12052: (white)
Goodbye to the friend I never knew.

Your bittersweet departure makes me reminisce in the brief moments we shared in childhood. The truths we knew about each other, but never revealed. I didn't really know you then. We crossed paths in a youth we couldn't wait to escape, and in that found a common ground.

A decade later, it happened again. We laughed about days gone by we now missed, realizing how we took that youth and its freedom for granted. In those ten years we both had changed and didn't know each other now. I lost track of you again except for things I heard in passing (and responses I regret saying). That's how I heard you died.

So goodbye to the friend I never knew.

Wish I had known you better.
mandy12052: (Default)
To Whom It May Concern:

I just wanted to say that I took mild offense to the comments you made recently.
While you said them in a heartfelt manner, I regard your sentiments otherwise. I have every right to dream and speculate, and I don't appreciate your belittling and unfounded doubts. I may never say anything on the subject to the person in question, and I find your negative opinions unnecessary. I liken your comments to something bordering on mockery, and don't appreciate them at all. Once again, I feel treated like a child. Even if you disagree with my analysis of the situation, I don't think any naivete I might have regarding human relationships or the ways of the world would apply to this situation.


This is completely unrelated to any comments made here on the good ol' LJ. It regards a different issue entirely. And thanks to [ profile] killbox for pointing out that there was a possibility that this might be misconstrued as relating to this post.
mandy12052: (Default)
Ever have moments where you imagine what could have happened with a particular situation and it's incredibly vivid?

I do this a lot, and I sometimes wonder if what I imagine is what occurred in some alternate reality/parallel universe. I contemplate this respecting some of my dreams also, but I link this more to a feeling of déjà vu. A twisted version of quantum physics theory could account for these phenomena, but it's a stretch. I can't help wondering just about every time I do this.

It reminds of the movie Sliding Doors. How much does serendipity really affect our lives?
mandy12052: (white)
Without moving. Aside from the shivering that comes with the low temperature that runs in conjunction with the single pain windows that is.

I keep trying to formulate some coherent way to say everything that's on my mind, but I can't. So I've been sitting here watching the clouds change color and the streetlights become dimmer while the sun comes up.

I feel guilty, selfish, awkward... for varying reasons. My predisposition to guilt makes it the most prevalent of these. (Damn, I would've been the ideal form of Catholic if I could see some sense in religion.)

I keep trying to find the better things to say to people, but it won't happen for me. I come across as ambivalent or mocking or don't come across at all. And my inner self... even more disparaging with every remark. There's language but no communication.
mandy12052: (kiss)
I haven't been that drunk in a while. Like I was last night I mean. I don't think I've been that drunk and not puked since [ profile] enthralled323's 21st birthday party, and that was a long long time ago. I'm sure there have probably been more recent occurences, but that was the event that came to mind to me as a comparison last night. But grazie to the people who bought things for me despite the fact. This is one of those moments when I remember why it is I don't do shots when drinking other things.

Mixed drinks+shots+short period of time=Very drunk Mando who does naughty/promiscuous things in public places.

So yeah... Many thanks to [ profile] intravenousants for taking care of me in my inebriated state, and giggling at me all the while.
P.S. Don't let me do that again, though I doubt I'll let myself have that much to drink for a while.

Even more confusing to me is that I only slept for about three hours, and still have managed to maintain my previous claims as the "I never get hangovers" girl.

mandy12052: (white)
Today has been great, but I find myself focusing on my vices. I've been watching Walk the Line and all the ways Johnny Cash messed up in his life, and started considering my fallacies.

I'm forgetful.
I procrastinate.
I smoke too much.
I'm indecisive.
I fall in love so fast that I ruin it all by falling out.
I talk about the things I want to do, but never do them.

I find myself overwhelmed by negativity lately. I can't manage to see all the good things in my life. I only see the ways I'm unhappy with myself and the way I've screwed up. It's not that I'm depressed or anything... just pessimistic.

Problem is, I don't know why I'm still staring at the glass, imagining what's in it. The milk is spilt. I can't drink that milk anymore. I need to find some way to pour another glass and be content with what I've got. And try not to waste any more. After all, milk is damn expensive! That shit's like $3 a gallon anymore.
mandy12052: (white)
And it was virtually pointless. I got there at 945, and realized I'd forgotten my swipecard. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that they didn't have any more. Eventually I came across someone who had an extra (at about 1100), but still never got clocked in. Why? Because the guy I was supposed to follow got there at 1130 and then got us sent home at 1200 because we didn't have any tables. So basically I sat there for 2 1/2 hours training myself by working on these quiz things that are supposed to prepare me for the 12 page test I'll take on Tuesday. I may as well have slept in and not gone to work. So yeah... now I get to go back in at 400 and actually DO something. Which will be fine, but it would have been nice to sleep later than 800 this morning instead of going to work and not getting paid for it. Eh well... it would have only gotten me about $10 anyhow.

But yeah, other than the fact that in terms of the menu and such I am mostly training myself, things are going well in terms of the new job. I have been told by multiple people that about 95% of new servers cheat on the test. They have also told me various ways to accomplish this. So Monday night I will be getting that put together in order to take the test on Tuesday.

Other than that I had a chill night when I got off work last night. I didn't really feel like doing any homework or going out, so I watched The Piano on the Sundance channel last night. Very strange but good movie. And commercial-free to boot. I recommend it, if only for the great piano interludes through the movie.

Time to go write a paper though... Catch you kids on the flip side.

"This has been another fabulous report of 'What's New?' I am your host, Mando Calrission and you're listening to KMND, Mandy Radio. 'All Mandy, All the Time.'"
mandy12052: (Default)
I'm having one of those years where I seem to be doing all the things I swore I'd never do... Like smoking, and drinking until I puke, being cheated on and being a cheater, dating someone who's still clearly hung up on someone else. It all leaves me rather introspective. Suddenly I find myself making considerable changes in my life, like getting a new job. Granted, there are lots of other factors contributing to that particular decision also. But yeah... so it goes.

I wish my mind weren't so restless. I hate how much I seem to dwell on these things, these negatives. Of course, so many of the situations I'm in lately would propell me to be negative so I guess it's not so surprising.

Hmm... I don't know what else to say. I mean, so many things running through my mind, but no real opinions about them. They're just there.

mandy12052: (flower)
I don't feel quite myself lately, and I can't quite say why. I wish I knew.

There are so many things I want to be doing right now, but I can't quite find the energy for them. Reading books, writing, painting, eating... I guess it's not so much the energy as just the enthusiasm in general. I feel so... apathetic. Which happens to me every now and again, but man do I hate it. I like feeling as though I exist. But right now, I don't feel as if I do. Part of me doesn't give a damn either, and that scares me.

Hmm... I think I'll go walk the dog or something. For the sheer distraction of it.
mandy12052: (flower)
I find it interesting to reflect on the way we pick up on the mannerisms of those people we surround ourselves with. The way we notice those things, and because we like the people who create them slowly make those things a part of ourselves. Embrace those things, own those things, to the point that they are a part of us like those people are an extension of the self.

I have a whole list of silly little things like that which I have made a part of myself, even though some of the friends I got them from are no longer around me.
Saying "ciao."
Having a crazy set of nearly unintelligible noises that are in some way a language, a way of communicating.
Making nibbly sorts of noises when I chew on someone's shoulder.
Llama hand puppets.
Wearing a dog collar as a bracelet.
Putting hairties around my finger like a ring.
Wearing pants with lots of pockets for convenience.
Singing with the radio.
Dancing in the car when I really like the song playing.
Hanging the cigarette out the window at a stoplight.

Little things like that.
mandy12052: (Default)
I was doing really well with the writing. I'm over half done. Unfortunately I have hit a stint of writer's block in this home stretch. Which sucks. It's two AM. I have to work tomorrow morning. Odds are I won't get out in time to finish my stupid paper. I am so fucked. Damn my procrastination, damn it to hell. And what's worse... it should be so EASY to finish. I've got all the info. I just have to throw it together... what the hell si wrong!?!? Grr...
mandy12052: (Flowers)
It's about time you started phasing me out of things anyway. Sooner or later everyone does. It's why I can't make lasting friendships, truly deep friendships.

Because sooner or later everyone gets bored with having me around.

So they stop calling. They cut me out.

I'm like that guest DJ in a club who everyone tells is so wonderful and great and fun, but never gets invited back to the club.

So all I'm saying is, I understand. Or at least, I think I do.

And you can disagree all you want. Call me passive aggressive all you want.

I see where you're coming from, and I'm not surprised.

I'm pretty much used to it by now.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Fuck man, it hurts like hell.
mandy12052: (Bodies)
I did a lot today.

I called in to work for only the third time in about a year and a half. Why? You might ask. While I told the people at work that I had a "family emergency" and must drive to Farmington, this was not actually the case. The truth is, I'm a procrastinator. And hadn't finished a rather large bit that was due in my Shakespeare class today. Read more... )

On a slightly different note, in about 15 days time, someone from afar who is of the less flaky variety will be here. Woot for that!

For now, I sleep.
mandy12052: (Default)
I gave in and ate something. By the time I was done with my Computer Science class this evening I thought I might keel over and die between my hunger and the fact that my stomach muscles are still sore from doing pilates on Sunday morning. That's what I get for starting a new exercise regimen in the middle of six straight shifts of working. So it goes.

I came to the realization that I still haven't made the post about Florida. I'll probably try and do that later tonight. Yup... gotta keep you on your toes with excitement. Just kidding. I know you don't really give a damn either way.

Damn Snow

Mar. 14th, 2005 03:35 pm
mandy12052: (Bodies)
I really need to listen to my intuition more often.

I was walking out the door to go to work this morning, and it felt a little cool. Maybe I should take a jacket I think to myself. Nah, it'll warm up... Yeah right! It was snowing like crazy when I got off work. Which wouldn't have been so bad, but I had to stop for gas and the pump didn't work right so I had to hold it the entire time to make it go. So I'm standing there in the paper thin work shirt getting covered in snow. By the time I got back in my car there was so much snow on me that I couldn't even lean back because it felt so cold on my back. At least I was close to home though so I didn't have to put up with that for too long.

On top of that., the dog was completely soaked from being outside and hardly using his doghouse so I had to dry him off in the midst of his excitement from me getting home. I imagine I smell a bit like wet dog now. But I can't tell because I'm too stuffed up from running out of allergy medicine yesterday. Need to get that prescription filled...

To focus on the positive... Work was quite wonderful today. Mostly because I don't have to go back for over a week, but also because I decided to set my mind to the idea of having a positive mental attitude while I was at work today. It worked out rather nicely too. Tips were back to usual for me so I felt like I actually made money. Woot.

On another note, only 22 hours until I'm in Florida. YEAH BABY YEAH.
mandy12052: (Robot)
So I felt inspired the other day and found myself typing out a bit of fiction that came to mind. Unfortunately, I'm not sure it's going in the direction I'd like it to. I mean, I'm not entirely certain which way I'd really like it to go, but I honestly don't think it's headed that way currently. Which sucks. Perhaps I shall take the little bit I like and start over.
mandy12052: (anubis)
So it's 4 am and drinking too much coffee earlier this evening has left me with a caffeine high that means I probably won't get to sleep for another hour or so. And consequently will subject myself to further caffeine dependence when I wake up and the sun has risen.

The strange situation I find myself in at this late hour has also provoked me to follow the actions of such people as [ profile] ajbrown and make the list. Of course, many of these I imagine will be directed toward people who don't even know I have a journal on this website. Eh well. Here goes.

1. Quit being a flake and call me. I don't want to be the one who calls you every time.

2. Stop making yourself the victim. It's horribly annoying.

3. Be a slacker if you want! You're only there until July anyhow and clearly the two of you don't have a healthy friendship anyhow.

4. If we're going to be social anarchists, everyone has to contribute to communism. So don't eat all the enchiladas in one night. I wanted some too.

5. You're not as good as you think, so quit being a fucking exhibitionist.

6. Get over your damn Napolean complex. No one can work with you if you're going to be Lord Farquad.

7. You can phase people before 4 pm. It's okay. Other managers have been doing this for years. There won't be a rush of people at 3 o'clock.

8. Quit eating my underwear. You have toys damnit.

9. Start painting again. I'll even loan you supplies if you want.

10. If you're not going to share your feelings with me, don't expect me to share mine. Friendship is a two way street. I need reciprocation.

Wow... feeling a bit better. Now I know why people do this. And I don't give a fuck if some people view it as passive aggressive or whatever. I don't care. If I was so worried about what people thought I wouldn't write in this thing. To me, it's a record of what's going on for me at a given moment in time. It's a way for people who I love that live far away to keep track of what's going on with me when they don't have the time to call. And when I'm afraid of the phone and flake out on calling them. Hell, if you really want to know who they're about, ask me. Although I imagine I'm not so vague as some of my listing friends and that those parties involved would most likely be able to infer whether any items above are regarding them. But I guess that's a subjective thing.

On a different note... things are going well on the homework front. I'm catching up a bit. Albeit I must admit I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to swing going to belly dancing class and getting my entire German workbook done. But I'll worry about that tomorrow evening.

Sleep time.

Catch you on the flip side.


mandy12052: (Default)

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